Friday, May 2, 2014

Judgey Wudgey was a Bear

I have read one too many articles this week about people judging others on their food choices. I agree that we should all try to eat healthy and colorful and drink water and watch portion sizes and all that, but those efforts are probably good enough. The mere minute I catch word of someone prattling on about organic food and wahhhh GMOs, this is what I really hear:

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Then, after I roll my eyes so hard that I have to dig around in my eye sockets for lost eyeballs, I begin to lactate with rage.

How long is this organic food fad going to last?! I was hoping it'd be short-lived, like warm weather in Michigan or Barack Obama's high approval ratings. But no such luck. This irksome trend pushes on, no matter how many articles are published by respected medical professionals that yes, the Jif peanut butter is just as good for you and no, organic kale leaves are not actually picked from the loincloth of the Greek goddess of health.

If you are a self-proclaimed organic foodie, good for you. I respect you, but only until the minute you a.) become a self-righteous twill, or b.) begin to whine about any of the following: high-fructose corn syrup, white flour, baby formula, Goldfish crackers, Diet Coke, pop in general, food dye, or milk from a cow. If you do any of those things, I might just have to take your vile organic kale, feed it to the rabbits, and buy you a Happy Meal. And then a hot dog. Squashed between two Pop-Tarts. 

Monday, March 17, 2014

St. Patrick's Day: The Only Day it's Okay to be Green

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Today is the one day of the year that green is fun and not an annoying lifestyle choice ;)

In honor of today, I decided to share some pics of my trip to Ireland with my friend Cassandra circa 2008. Enjoy!

Saturday, March 8, 2014

First World Problems

This morning, as I read a long and painfully boring review of a new company for natural products, I had a striking realization. I decided that 99% of the green movement caters to Americans who have nothing else to complain about, otherwise known as first world problems. 

First world problems are hilarious yet incredibly embarrassing at the same time. My fave comedian, Louis CK, says it best:

"... that's where your life is amazing, so you just make up shit to be upset about. People in other countries have real problems. Like- 'Oh, shit. They're cutting off all our heads today!' Things like that."

I'm pretty sure it's the irritants of the green movement that win the contest of finding the most UN-problematic problems to whine and write their liberal congressman about. I'm not saying I haven't been guilty of complaining about first world problems because I know I can be annoyingly whiny, BUT I also don't mind a few missing trees or Asian Carp in my Great Lakes, either.

I generated my own green first world problem memes to emphasize my point. Enjoy :)

Saturday, February 15, 2014

I Pledge Allegiance to Big Oil

Without even looking for it, I discovered propaganda at its very finest!


But I felt better after I changed the words to better suit my liking :)

I pledge allegiance to Big Oil
And the industry of the developed world of which it supports,
One building block,
Under God,
With drilling and fracking
for all! 

Tuesday, January 28, 2014


(Facebook screenshot courtesy of my hysterical friend Keena!)

Lolz. This made me laugh this morning. 

And I know all of this frigid weather has the liberals prattling on that the cold is EXTREME because of global warming!!!!!! but frankly, I think we're all too cold to believe them at this point.

So use the weather as an excuse to stay home, drink coffee, snuggle on the couch and watch Netflix until the temp finally breaks 0 degrees. Wearing pants is optional. 

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Recipe: Homemade Granola Bar Bites

I haven't left the house and my lips haven't touch a Diet Coke can all day. All I've eaten is buttered toast, chicken noodle soup, and I drank two pots of coffee. I managed to brush my teeth for about a half a second and that was almost too much of an effort, so I gave up.

In other words, I'm sick. Duh. As if I'd let a day go by with no Diet Coke when I'm healthy. 

The problem is that I also have an insatiable craving for chocolate right now. Figures... PMS always rears its ugly head at the worst of times! 

So short of me clawing my way through Target with matted hair and no bra in search of chocolate that wouldn't be too rich or sugary and make me feel MORE sick, I thought of my old standby recipe for granola bar bites. Granola bars are that perfect juxtaposition of, "Is this healthy? Or am I essentially eating a naked candy bar?" so I decided to brave the prospect of getting off the couch and make my own. I think I found this recipe on Pinterest a couple years ago but have since modified it to meet my own dietary needs (and tonight, that means just enough chocolate to not make me puke). And since my immune system is currently lagging, I found some old flaxseed in the cupboard that expires in two months and threw that in there, too. See? I'm practically a health nut. 

Anyway, here's the recipe!

Homemade Granola Bar Bites

- 1/2 cup peanut butter 
- 1/3 cup honey
- 1 cup oats
- 1 cup coconut 
- 1 tsp. vanilla 
- Any other add-ins you like (chocolate chips, raisins, chopped nuts, chocolate chips, flaxseed, chia seeds, or chocolate chips)

Mix ingredients together in a bowl. Chill in the refrigerator for twenty minutes before forming into balls, or eat the batter with a spatula like I'm doing right now. Enjoy! 

Friday, January 17, 2014

Happy Birthday Michelle!

Today is Michelle Obama's 50th birthday.

And wouldn't you know it, it's the same day we had all-natural spinach, tomato, and goat cheese pizza for dinner...

It was delish, but the lack of pepperoni grease trickling down my chin made it seem just a TAD too healthy. So I drank a Diet Coke to liven up the meal a bit.

Now I'm off to brave the 15 degree weather in search of the highest calorie ice cream I can find... it's a day to celebrate, after all :)

Happy Birthday to our First Lady!